Angry For England

 

Dear Mr Greg Dyke,

I write to you firstly to express my condolences for your disappointing performance at this year’s European Championships. It is my belief that the eventual result is not indicative of the level of talent present in the England squad. As such, I fully understand Roy Hodgson’s decision to vacate his post. Indeed, having analysed all the available data, I have concluded that the main problem with Roy’s time as England manager was that he wasn’t Scottish.

You might assume that the idea of a Scottish England manager would be unpopular. However, I remind you of the old adage “don’t knock it till you try it”. You see, when it comes to virtually everything in life, the English simply assume they will win because they are English. Scots, on the other hand, expect defeat in almost everything except drinking, tennis and the invention of modern technology. This generates a work ethic that is uniquely Scottish, in that we must work twice as hard to succeed, whilst also coming up with numerous self-deprecating gags to retain our famed likability should we lose. It is this unwillingness to embrace the soothing blanket of inevitable defeat that is holding England back. After all, if there is one thing that is in the national interest to avoid, it is disappointment. A Scottish England manager would set expectations so low, the players would be almost guaranteed to fulfil the shallow hopes of their countrymen.

Let’s face facts, Greg: nobody likes false promises and no one can stand talentless arrogance. As demonstrated by Iceland, the world loves a plucky underdog, and that is exactly the characteristic lacking in the contemporary England squad. Playing with heart, passion and charisma is vastly more important than playing with skill. Frankly, what I want to see is the return of something Rudd Gullit once called “sexy football”. As it stands, there is nothing remotely stimulating about the football played by the England squad, nor the bodies that govern it. The players are performing with neither rhythm nor soul, and no levels of fitness will ever rectify this. To ignore such spiritual malnutrition is to ignore a malady that threatens the very fabric of the beautiful game.

Greg, England needs sexy – and no one knows sexy like I do! I come from the Jimmy Johnstone school of trickery, the Duncan Ferguson school of physicality, the John Lambie school of one-liners and the Chic Charnley school of nutrition. Having learned from the best, I am more than ready to impart my wit and wisdom to the English international footballers. I am your ticket to success, Greg, or at the very least an avenue to good-natured failure.

With the aforementioned considered, I would like to suggest that I may be a suitable candidate for the position of England manager.

Yours faithfully,

Angry Salmond

Dear Angry # 1

Read Angry’s replies to today’s nationalist problems

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND THINKS HE’S ALEX SALMOND!

Dear Angry,

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and I really love him. Just like myself, he is a steadfast supporter of Scottish independence. However, since the 2014 referendum, he has started to act increasingly like former First Minister Alex Salmond. What began as a restrained insistence that the “dream shall never die” has grown into an unhealthy psychosis that has resulted in him ambushing a number of amateur tennis players with our national flag. When he isn’t obsessing over golf or grooming his eyebrows, I’ve found him swaggering in front of pilfered lecterns, insisting we will still be able to unlock shopping trolleys with pound coins in 2025.

In trying to emulate the former First Minister, he has inadvertently thrust himself into the public eye. Quite literally. It has gotten so bad that I can’t take him anywhere without fear he will start photobombing attractive women he sees on the streets. This unfortunate habit has also led to an undesirably enlarged libido – one made worse by his recurring suggestion that we have children simply so they can be issued with Named Persons. This isn’t the only way our love life has been affected. Any form of conventional foreplay has been replaced with either a longwinded defence of windfarms or at least two episodes of Deep Space Nine. This is particularly disheartening as I consider DS9 to be the weakest of the Star Trek spinoffs. When I do turn him down for sex, I will often hear my boyfriend on the phone to a coarse-voiced elderly gentleman in the Bahamas. I wouldn’t mind this, but I’m fairly certain this distant dial-up lover could be involved in tax dodging.

My partner has also started spending vast amounts of money on horse racing, Soleros and Hearts FC season tickets. I love him dearly, but his condition is creating serious issues of trust. For instance, on more than one occasion I’ve caught him reading The Sun when he should be reading The National. Likewise, he will frequently swing between left-wing, ultra-progressive outbursts and inexplicably exalting the virtues of the British monarchy. I had to draw the line last year when he kept insisting the oil industry was economically predictable when clearly it isn’t. Nevertheless, whenever I object to my boyfriend’s neurotic behavior, I am met only with passive aggressive smirking, conceited laughter and occasionally an ostentatious “behave yourself, woman!”

Should I breakup with him, Angry?

Jenny, Saltcoats

Angry Says: Absolutely not. Clearly, you are entirely in the wrong here. There is nothing wrong with considering yourself to be Alex Salmond. If anything, your boyfriend should be encouraged to see this venture through to its conclusion. After all, if he believes himself to be Alex Salmond passionately enough, other people might start to believe him too. From there, the sky’s the limit for what he can achieve on this planet – and what greater achievement is there than Scottish independence? Strictly speaking, your boyfriend isn’t actually unwell at all – he’s just evolving. Though in your eyes he may seem afflicted, I can assure you that his behavior is largely commendable. Up until receiving your letter, I had lamented the fact that nationalism was not a virus, but now it appears it might be after all! Better yet, it could even be sexually transmitted! Hubba! Hubba!

Frankly, your partner’s behavior is the very embodiment of Scotland’s supple morality, questionable economics and political ambiguity. These traits in isolation will not lead to the founding of a successful independent nation. However, if these qualities were somehow universally acquired through some sort of Alex Salmond virus, we’d be free from Britain faster than you can say #ToryElectionFraud.

By making a stand against Salmondism, you are essentially holding up the line that’s been queueing for Scottish independence since the 1970s. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that your attitude discriminates towards those with your boyfriend’s freshly identified condition. In such politically correct times, people will find your Salmondist comments highly offensive – particularly your suggestion that Deep Space Nine is the worst Star Trek offshoot. Clearly, Enterprise was the worst installment in the franchise and you and Scott Bakula should feel deeply ashamed of yourselves.

It is true that some groups and individuals may consider your boyfriend to be delusional. Let me assure you that this is not the case. These individuals are normally classed as “unionists”, and it is traces of their condition that I would encourage you to look out for. Your boyfriend is, in effect, the “anti-unionist”, and this is just about the best thing that a modern Scotsman can be!

The bottom line is that your boyfriend doesn’t need to be less like Alex Salmond – you need to be more like Alex Salmond, Jenny. As it stands, creating a prosperous, self-governing Scotland will be a very difficult thing to do. A cross-party constitution will need to be drafted, a parallel economy based on digital currency will need to be developed and we’ll somehow have to convince unionists that the monarchy is just an inherently stupid concept. This will all take a very long time under present conditions. However, such a drawn-out, monotonous process could be avoided if we all suddenly thought collectively like Alex Salmond. In my view, we have a clear choice: we either do independence the right way or do it the fast way – also known as the “Salmond way”. My advice to you is not to break up with your boyfriend – but to help break up the United Kingdom!

September 19th – Get Angry, Stay Sexy!

Comrades,

Saturday 19 September marks the first anniversary of the outcome of the #indyref. The union is still reeling from last year’s barrage and it’s surely only a matter of time until we get independence and #SexySocialism wins the day!

So, I’d like to invite all you sexy people to don your pink berets and sunglasses and descend upon George Square on September 19th!

Berets here: LINK

Pink Sunglasses here: LINK

T-Shirts/Badges here: LINK

It would also mean a lot to me if you could donate to the Breast Cancer Campaign. A fundraiser page has been setup here: LINK

Yours,

Angry

June 20th – Scotland United Against Austerity Rally

Comrades,

On June 20th, the people of Scotland will once again occupy George Square in Glasgow and make a stand against the appalling Westminster politics of austerity. A plethora of political, charitable and human rights groups are expected to attend to make their voices heard.

It would be fucking awesome to see as many of you as possible in attendance, wearing the famous pink beret and sunglasses. It is worth remembering that believers in #SexySocialism have already shown their generous nature in donating to the Breast Cancer Campaign this year. Further donations to the cause on June 20th – even as little as £2 – will go some way towards fighting breast cancer.

Scheduled to begin at 12 noon, “Scotland United Against Austerity” will send out the strongest message yet that Scotland will not be submissive to the cold and illogical Conservative ideology. Get angry, be sexy, have fun!

Yours,

Angry

Breast Cancer Campaign

Comrades,

We are less than two weeks away from the 2015 general election and it’s time to show the world what #SexySocialism is all about! As discussed in my last entry, on May 7th we shall combine the power of revolutionary politics with a day long event to raise as much money as possible for the Breast Cancer Campaign! It’s pretty simple – support the #ProgressiveAlliance in the voting booths and then make a donation to the Breast Cancer Campaign right afterwards! You can do so at the following link: DONATE TO BREAST CANCER CAMPAIGN!

It shall be a day to sport a pink beret and sunglasses too – both of which can be purchased through Amazon UK at the following links: PINK BERETPINK SUNGLASSES! I’ll be retweeting any selfies sent to me on the day with the hashtag #WearItPink to help out @BCCampaign!

I have also setup JustGiving.com/SexySocialism to raise money for the Breast Cancer Campaign. It’s important to remember the iconic image of @AngrySalmond’s pink beret and glasses was first popularised by Christina McKelvie at a Breast Cancer Campaign event! Social media might have changed the face of politics, but this is your chance to make a real difference in someone’s life – please give whatever you can and help the world overcome this disease once and for all!

Yours,

Angry

May 7th

Comrades,

As you will be aware, Thursday 7th May is the day of the 2015 general election. In recent times, this day has belonged either to the Conservatives or to Labour. We plan on changing this. The SNP, with your help, is going to be the party that shakes up the Westminster establishment and demands true representation for the sexy, sexy people of Scotland.

As such, I’m proposing that we declare this 7th May an unofficial SNP-party day. After all, there ain’t no party like an SNP-club party!

The premise is simple. If possible, obtain a pink beret and pink sunglasses and tweet a selfie. Encourage friends and colleagues to do likewise to enhance the experience. Tweet them to me and I will gladly retweet them.

It is important to remember that this image, popularised by Christina McKelvie and myself,  represents breast cancer awareness. A small donation to the Breast Cancer Campaign website from each of you would be of great benefit to the thousands of women across the UK who are affected by breast cancer each year. Donations can be made through this link. Obviously, there is no compulsion in this, but it would be great to see this great charity get some further recognition.

Wearing the headwear to the polling station is probably not recommended due to the possibility of backlash from envious non-SNP voters. However, the choice is yours. There is little to be gained from attempting polling booth selfies or taking photographs of your ballot paper. Instead, why not embrace your own sexiness and make the 7th May into a wonderful day for yourself, your loved ones and others? #VoteSNPgetSexy

BBC Trending

Comrades,

I was recently asked by BBC Trending to provide my thoughts on Twitter’s role in the independence referendum and the 2015 general election campaign (you can read the article here – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-32303329).

The finished version published by the BBC is fairly representative of my responses to their questions, however many of my answers were left out. Accordingly, I thought I would publish these answers for you here.

Below is a transcript of the email interview conducted by the BBC: 

  1. When did you first join Twitter?

If I recall correctly, I didn’t join Twitter, Twitter joined me. This occurred about two years ago and the internet has been far sexier ever since!

  1. What did you hope to achieve? Was it something you started for fun, or did you have a more serious message in mind?

The great thing about being right about everything, is that being yourself becomes the message! My hope is to help achieve independence for Scotland, which, when you think about it, will be a lot of fun!

  1. How do you think the Scottish referendum has changed the political debate on social media?

The combination of social media and the referendum gave people reason to believe their opinion mattered. It was the first major political event in the history of the British Isles where social media truly was a defining force and that legacy lasts to this day. I enjoy signing my book with “#SexySocialism”, and the people love it too because it shows that their emotions, intellect and wit are all listened to and appreciated by those at the highest level. Politicians in favour of independence acknowledge and reflect the views of their followers, not just in the four weeks before an election but throughout the year!

  1. If you had based the Scottish referendum on tweets alone it would have appeared that the Yes campaign were going to win, do you think the popularity of the SNP online will actually be reflected on May 7th?

Of course. The fallout from the referendum has shown that the Westminster government can’t keep their promises. Now the unionist parties are terrified that a party representing the interests of the Scottish people might hold some degree of influence. That’s not to say this is just about the SNP, the #ProgressiveAlliance of the Greens, Plaid Cymru and the Scottish National Party are all reflecting this wonderful new era of 21st century politics!

  1. What’s different between the referendum voting day and May 7th?

Well, for a start, the answer is no longer as simple as yes or no. People will vote for parties based on what they believe they will deliver. It’s also become much more difficult for the promoters of fear to scare the Scottish people into submission, or bribe them with a series of ridiculous vows. The unionist parties have shown their hand and now the Scottish people will send a loud and clear message to them on May 7th – the #ProgressiveAlliance is taking over Westminster!

  1. Do you think that Scotland has become a more divided nation as a result of the referendum?

No, I think the United Kingdom has become a more divided place as a result of the referendum.

  1. Why do you think the SNP do so well on Twitter?

The SNP do well at most things, so it’s not very surprising we’re incredible at social media too. Twitter allows people who might have felt there was no one else around them who understood them, to realise that millions of likeminded people are all over the country waiting to connect with them. This is a wonderful thing. The people are now in control of how they think and what they see. Just like individuals would rather use online services like Netflix or Spotify to determine when they enjoy their favourite programmes or music, Twitter allows the same freedom of choice when it comes to progressive politics. No longer are the people waiting to receive the spoon-fed interpretation of current events from last-generation media outlets, they are now able to discuss every news story with others who share their world view.

  1. Would you consider yourself a cybernat?

Is that a sexual thing? If so, I would consider myself the best in the world!

  1. You tweets are regularly the most shared tweets in Scotland. How do you feel about that?

It’s fantastic to know the people of Scotland have the intelligence and humour to put such stock in me. Anyone who doubts our nation’s ability to govern itself need only look to my followers as proof of the contrary! #VoteSNPgetSexy is a mantra for the masses!

  1. Do you think that the legacy of the independence referendum is that cybernats are paranoid?

As I’m uncertain how you wish to define “cybernat”, I shall assume you mean independence supporters with access to the internet. With that in mind, calling what is a massive section of the Scottish electorate “paranoid” is fairly conceited, and to insinuate that paranoia alone will be the legacy of the referendum is doubly so. Ironically, the fact this question has been asked will only fuel the belief that the BBC frown upon nationalists in general. Questions of paranoia would be far more suited to the sort of immigration-phobic parties in England who seem convinced the European Union is part of some globalist conspiracy to wipe out the sovereignty of all nations. Scots are far more concerned with corruption and lack of proper representation at Westminster, the unjustifiable funding of nuclear weapons and the UK’s continued involvement in overseas conflicts – all things that are not internet conspiracies but unfortunate facts. The legacy of the independence referendum is #SexySocialism!