Read Angry’s replies to today’s nationalist problems
HELP! MY BOYFRIEND THINKS HE’S ALEX SALMOND!
I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and I really love him. Just like myself, he is a steadfast supporter of Scottish independence. However, since the 2014 referendum, he has started to act increasingly like former First Minister Alex Salmond. What began as a restrained insistence that the “dream shall never die” has grown into an unhealthy psychosis that has resulted in him ambushing a number of amateur tennis players with our national flag. When he isn’t obsessing over golf or grooming his eyebrows, I’ve found him swaggering in front of pilfered lecterns, insisting we will still be able to unlock shopping trolleys with pound coins in 2025.
In trying to emulate the former First Minister, he has inadvertently thrust himself into the public eye. Quite literally. It has gotten so bad that I can’t take him anywhere without fear he will start photobombing attractive women he sees on the streets. This unfortunate habit has also led to an undesirably enlarged libido – one made worse by his recurring suggestion that we have children simply so they can be issued with Named Persons. This isn’t the only way our love life has been affected. Any form of conventional foreplay has been replaced with either a longwinded defence of windfarms or at least two episodes of Deep Space Nine. This is particularly disheartening as I consider DS9 to be the weakest of the Star Trek spinoffs. When I do turn him down for sex, I will often hear my boyfriend on the phone to a coarse-voiced elderly gentleman in the Bahamas. I wouldn’t mind this, but I’m fairly certain this distant dial-up lover could be involved in tax dodging.
My partner has also started spending vast amounts of money on horse racing, Soleros and Hearts FC season tickets. I love him dearly, but his condition is creating serious issues of trust. For instance, on more than one occasion I’ve caught him reading The Sun when he should be reading The National. Likewise, he will frequently swing between left-wing, ultra-progressive outbursts and inexplicably exalting the virtues of the British monarchy. I had to draw the line last year when he kept insisting the oil industry was economically predictable when clearly it isn’t. Nevertheless, whenever I object to my boyfriend’s neurotic behavior, I am met only with passive aggressive smirking, conceited laughter and occasionally an ostentatious “behave yourself, woman!”
Should I breakup with him, Angry?
Angry Says: Absolutely not. Clearly, you are entirely in the wrong here. There is nothing wrong with considering yourself to be Alex Salmond. If anything, your boyfriend should be encouraged to see this venture through to its conclusion. After all, if he believes himself to be Alex Salmond passionately enough, other people might start to believe him too. From there, the sky’s the limit for what he can achieve on this planet – and what greater achievement is there than Scottish independence? Strictly speaking, your boyfriend isn’t actually unwell at all – he’s just evolving. Though in your eyes he may seem afflicted, I can assure you that his behavior is largely commendable. Up until receiving your letter, I had lamented the fact that nationalism was not a virus, but now it appears it might be after all! Better yet, it could even be sexually transmitted! Hubba! Hubba!
Frankly, your partner’s behavior is the very embodiment of Scotland’s supple morality, questionable economics and political ambiguity. These traits in isolation will not lead to the founding of a successful independent nation. However, if these qualities were somehow universally acquired through some sort of Alex Salmond virus, we’d be free from Britain faster than you can say #ToryElectionFraud.
By making a stand against Salmondism, you are essentially holding up the line that’s been queueing for Scottish independence since the 1970s. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that your attitude discriminates towards those with your boyfriend’s freshly identified condition. In such politically correct times, people will find your Salmondist comments highly offensive – particularly your suggestion that Deep Space Nine is the worst Star Trek offshoot. Clearly, Enterprise was the worst installment in the franchise and you and Scott Bakula should feel deeply ashamed of yourselves.
It is true that some groups and individuals may consider your boyfriend to be delusional. Let me assure you that this is not the case. These individuals are normally classed as “unionists”, and it is traces of their condition that I would encourage you to look out for. Your boyfriend is, in effect, the “anti-unionist”, and this is just about the best thing that a modern Scotsman can be!
The bottom line is that your boyfriend doesn’t need to be less like Alex Salmond – you need to be more like Alex Salmond, Jenny. As it stands, creating a prosperous, self-governing Scotland will be a very difficult thing to do. A cross-party constitution will need to be drafted, a parallel economy based on digital currency will need to be developed and we’ll somehow have to convince unionists that the monarchy is just an inherently stupid concept. This will all take a very long time under present conditions. However, such a drawn-out, monotonous process could be avoided if we all suddenly thought collectively like Alex Salmond. In my view, we have a clear choice: we either do independence the right way or do it the fast way – also known as the “Salmond way”. My advice to you is not to break up with your boyfriend – but to help break up the United Kingdom!